Saturday, September 19, 2015
The Battle Within
In the interest of continuing the transparency of my last blog, I'm wanting to share a little more with everyone. I'm struggling. Struggling hard. A vicious depression has dug it's claws into my soul, and is having a hard time letting go. I've spent the length of this summer battling a deep depression. To be completely forthcoming, I often dreamt of the release of death. Hoping with every passing day that some insane driver would swerve into my lane and end my misery. I had no desire to remove myself from this life, but I wanted someone else to do the courtesy for me. It's been a trip.
I'm just hitting the point in which I'm starting to enjoy myself again. The goofy, joyful, bubbly Jaci is slowly returning, she's winning the battle, but it's a brutal one. Today I found myself dancing and singing to my Spotify playlist while cleaning our place. It's been a while since I've cared enough to do that.
In conversation with a wonderful friend (kindred spirit???) last night, we discovered a similar struggle. After being hurt by people over and over and over again, it's easy to fall into an indifferent mindset. We don't want to meet new people, we don't want to put the effort into new friendships. It's too hard to pour yourself into someone else, only to be stabbed in the back for trying to help. It's happened too many times in the last few years. To pile that on top of the number of friends and family members I've lost recently, it's safe to say this depression was a long time in coming. These last few years have contained so many wonderful moments, but the space between those grand times have been filled with countless tragedies. Betrayal, death, abandonment, heartbreak. It's a wonder we, as humans, are able to survive the emotional mess that is life.
Here's my point. Depression is real. It's widespread. It hits the people you would least expect. It is not shameful. When someone you love is depressed, they will do their best to push you away. They don't want you to hurt them any more than they are already hurt. But pushing you away ends up breaking them even more. Please, please be there to stand by them during their struggle. Be the strength that they need to face the next day.
Some of us are very good at hiding our struggles, some of us are not. Pay attention to those you love. If they're showing signs of depression, don't just give up on them. Don't treat them like they're an exile. Love them more every day, and do what is best for them. Show them that they really do have allies in this life. It's hard to feel alone, harder than some of you might know.
I understand that people get caught up in their own lives, but this summer has made me wish that some people would focus a little more on the world around them. I understand that my depression is my own, but other people's actions can make it just that much harder. I wish some had been gentler with my feelings. Pay attention to the people in your life. If someone is acting weird, maybe they're not just being a brat. They might be battling demons in their own lives, reach out to them.