Saturday, September 12, 2015
On Being Lonely
I'm a very lonely person. I feel the chill of it most days. I'm a part of the world, but the world doesn't truly understand me. I feel as though nobody fathoms me. It's like being lost in the ocean, surrounded by millions of life rafts with people on them, just out of reach. I'm close to people, but I'm not a part of them.
I've always been this way. My whole life. I tend to be a very busy person. There's a reason for that. I can't be alone and not doing anything, because the ache of loneliness sets in most profoundly when I'm immobile. Activity helps me to forget.
But reality always sets in at some point. I can't remain mobile indefinitely. I will always have a few spare moments to remember how alone I am.
I thought getting married would be a great fix to the loneliness. Having another person around 24/7 would surely keep me from getting depressed. That's not the case. If anything, marriage reminds you how different the other person is. How little we understand of each other. Nobody can completely understand another person. We are alone in the world. Not one human being can be there for you 100% of the time.
That's where faith comes in to play. When other people might not care about me, might not want to be around me, might simply tolerate me. God cherishes me. He understands me. He wants to spend time with me. He choses me to be His own (1 Samuel 12:22). He has so much love for me, it's astounding. His love knows no bounds.
Lately, I've felt like I've been attacked on every side. Things have been hard at work, at home, at church. I feel rejected. I feel stomped on. I feel, generally, like a loser. But then God changes things up, just a little, to remind me of my importance. He puts people in my workplace who tell me that they believe in me, even when I feel like I'm failing. He nudges my husband to remind him to thank me for making dinner.
Even when everything else is breaking at the seams, God holds us in His arms and comforts us. He lets us know that we are loved. That even if nobody can see our value, He does.
And you know what? He is enough for me. His love brings me back to the surface. To give me the will power to keep struggling through each day. To throw my head back and prove to the naysayers that I am better than they think. That, even if I am not worthy of their time, I am worthy of His...and His opinion matters more than theirs.
Just remember this: sometimes, when people act like they have it all together, they don't. We're all broken, just in different ways. Think before you judge someone too harshly. When you have a problem with someone, before trying to ruin their standing in your circle, remember that they're fragile. The things you say could prove to destroy them. I was almost destroyed. The things that people were saying, doing to me made me want to curl up and die. I didn't want to keep going. It's been a months long struggle, but God is helping to pull me out of the hole I've been thrown in.
God is faithful. He'll be there to show me the way. Always.