Thursday, May 14, 2015

My Own Worst Enemy


Photo: Promise Photography

Who is my biggest rival? Who hurts me the most? Who do I despise regularly? Myself. Always myself. My biggest enemy is me. 

A good friend pointed out the other night that I have an tendency to beat myself up over trivial things. I let stuff get under my skin, I let it fester, I let it grow out of proportion. Then I tell myself how much I suck, how much of a failure I am, how much nobody likes me. I dwell on my faults, I rip myself apart from the inside.

Why? I honestly have no idea. Probably because fear of failure is my biggest fear. I don't want people to see me as inadequate. So when I do anything wrong, anything at all, I get extremely frustrated. I tell myself that I suck and I'm not good at ANYTHING and I should just give up.

Because of this, it's so very hard for me to accept criticism. Most of the time, I already know I've made a mistake. I've probably been mulling over it, smacking my forehead with my palm, and generally hating myself the entire time. Then, when somebody steps in and takes it upon themselves to point out my faults, I suddenly have all of my fears and frustrations confirmed. I do suck, I am stupid, everybody does hate me. If they didn't think all of those things about me, why would they be telling me how much I failed?

Having read Crash the Chatterbox, I know these thoughts are just Satan, trying to derail me. He knows these things about me, knows how hard I am on myself. He helps manipulate situations so that my silly brain will careen off into self loathing. He knows my weaknesses.

God promises that He will give strength to the powerless (Isaiah 40:28-29). He is my rock, my fortress (Psalm 62:6). When I start to feel down about myself, I can look to the Creator of Heaven and Earth and know that He believes in me. He doesn't think I'm useless or a waste of space. He knows what I'm capable of, and He knows what He has planned for my life.

God has a path laid out for each and every one of us. If you feel like me sometimes, take heart! You are precious and loved. No missteps that we make can change His mind about us. He sees beyond the human nature and into the soul. His love can set you free.

Sometimes, life is hard. For everyone. Be careful with people. Even if they seem strong and carefree, they're still fragile. Take the time learn about them, to lift them up rather than tear them down.

So you feel like the Joker now
No more Aces under the table
You try to hide to hide your broken pride
But you know that you're not able

So you're a Queen without a crown
And your beauty ain't what it used to be
You try to hide behind a broken smile
But your tears keep falling right into the sea

So hold on for now
I know you'll make it somehow
So hold on for now
I know you'll make it somehow

So you failed
So you failed, now get up
Cuz history happens to the best of us
Of us
I know you can
So you failed, try again
Cuz brother, it happens to the best of us
Of us
Hold on, hold on
So you failed, now get up
Cuz history happens to the best of us
Of us
So you failed, try again
Cuz brother, it happens to the best of us
Of us
-The Best of Us The Rival

Always,

Jackelyn Stange

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