I had this realization about a week ago: I've changed. Drastically, but not permanently. And I'm not talking a pleasant change. Not to go deep into detail, but I had someone close to me betray me. She was a friend one minute, a foe the next. She started talking behind my back, stealing friends, etc. It was unpleasant to say the least. People say that words can't hurt you, it's not true. Words can cut so deep. They can strip you of trust, break down your self-worth. I became suspicious, wary. Where I was once a goofy, fun person; I turned toward distrust and bitterness. I knew, just knew, that if someone I was so close to could be so cruel...every one of my other friends must be capable of the same betrayal.
To be honest, this is the second time in my life this has happened to me. I just don't understand some humans. But I don't need to understand them. I need to understand myself. They're clearly hurting, and hopefully someone will come beside them in life and help them find healing. In the mean time, I need to seek God's help in my own healing. I want to be fun again. I want to be that silly, goofy girl that people are drawn to. I'm so thankful for the amazing friends, family, and husband who have stood by my side while it's taken me so much time to realize what is happening inside of myself.
I don't want to spend every minute of my day wondering who is going to hurt me next and how they're going to do it. I want to experience beauty in each moment. I want to find joy in every experience. I want to love those around me. I want to be a light.
My focus needs to be on Jesus and His love for me in everything, not what the next person could do to me. If I live my life focused on those around me, I shove God out of it. I only have the capacity to make one thing the focus of my time and energy. If it's not God, then I'm not living up to my potential.
This world is an amazing place, there is so much beauty surrounding us. There are so many things to find joy in, to cherish. Worrying about things beyond our control is simply a waste. I want to be the recipient of Romans 15:13: "May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Once I realized how much I had changed, I knew that something needed to be done. I decided to be my old self again. I asked God to fill me with joy. Several days later, during a night of worship at our church, I could feel a tangible release of the frustration and entrance of the peace of the Holy Spirit. It was pure. While I continue to struggle with distrust and insecurity, the reminder of that night keeps bringing me back to a place of contentment.
God is faithful.
"When we put God into the details of our lives, life fills with beauty." -Chris Tomlin