Monday, February 4, 2013

I Will Run

It's time to get real. To peel back the protective layers and bare my heart. For those of you who know me, I like to hide behind a barrier of laughter and fun. But sometimes those walls crumble away.

Last night-I fell apart. Completely. My "everything's ok...really" smile wore out. In the afternoon, my dad called to let me know Uncle Dave has been hospitalized. It wasn't welcome news. Hours later, I leaned into the shower wall, slid into a crumpled heap on the floor, and simply broke down. And I let out ragged, choking, gasping, heartbroken sobs. I didn't ask why, didn't dwell on how "unfair" life can be, I just let myself feel. I laid there. Shattered and completely broken. With the water pooling around me, when I had become still and quiet, I felt it. "Surrender yourself." So I did. 

He lifted me up, and helped me carry on. God promises to strengthen us when we are so very weak (Isaiah 40:31). He didn't take the pain away, but made it something I could bear.

Then he gave me a sweet moment of peace. And pure joy. Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin started to play on my Pandora station. He sang:

know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear?


And I had a mini-worship session right then and there, waving my toothbrush through the air.

God wants our everything. He wants us to surrender all of ourselves to Him. Every last bit. And sometimes. Sometimes. Our ability to surrender lies dependent on us being completely shattered by life. Brokenness leads us to the cross. And that's where He wants us, surrendering everything at the feet of Jesus. Giving our all to Him who gave his all for us.

Let your troubles lead you to the Lord.

Pastor Levi had an incredible message this weekend, it always amazes me how God gives you exactly what you need to hear right when you need it. Check it out at: http://vimeo.com/58854504 

I'm running with horses. Cue the eagle!

Always,
Jaci

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely adore you!! Your real, your raw and a breath of fresh air!!!

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